Friday, July 18, 2008

Absurdly Hypothetical Friday #1

It is the 14th century. Instead of hands, you have a sword and a plastic robot pincher claw (Double Dare style). Is your quality of life higher or lower than the average peasant?

Absurdly Hypothetical Fridays, I have a feeling your days are numbered.

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ttt · 872 weeks ago

better because i have a claw.
seriously. claws are awesome.
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Jordan 57p · 872 weeks ago

It's the claw! You're scared of the claw.
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ppp · 872 weeks ago

Worse. They'll think I'm Satan. I'll be burned at the stake and the claw will melt.
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Kaitlyn 43p · 872 weeks ago

I agree that they'll think I'm Satan. But I'd like to see those 14th century pansies try to burn me at the stake when I have a SWORD ARM. Seriously....
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mb · 872 weeks ago

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CLAWMASTER SWORDHAND · 872 weeks ago

You have a choice to make at a young age. These are medieval times, after all. People are dumb and afraid and will react one of two ways:
* As a mob, chase you to the clock tower for you to meet your ultimate
demise (via pitchforks and torches).
* Submit to your unholy wrath, forever indentured to do your bidding.

If you are okay with playing an evil, crazy claw-and-sword hand dictator/king/superpower, I recommend clamping and slicing off the head of a chicken or nearest sibling as soon as you are born. This will ensure your place in history and tell people "Back the fuck off" rather than "I have freaky hands; please throw me off a cliff and fah'getaboudit."
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Jordan 57p · 872 weeks ago

What constituted a high quality life for a 14th century peasant?

* Plenty of food? CHECK! A sword hand and a robot claw? You could eat whatever you wanted that's in reach of your semi-go-go-gadget reach. That is provided that your legs work properly.
* Freedom of religion, speech, go-wherever-the-fuck-you-want-ability? CHECK! What's that, mr. friar? You don't want to let me into the church because you think I'm a dangerous heretical freak? How would you like a larger tonsure?
* Girls Girls Girls? Hmm...I don't know

I don't know where I was going with all of this.
Questions that need to be answered: How did Clawmaster Swordhand get these sword and claw hands? Do girls like swords and claws? How big is this sword we're talking about?
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mb · 872 weeks ago

Do we ask how the pyramids were built or who the Druids of Stonehenge were? No. Why do we need to know how Clawmaster Swordhand got his awesomeness?

My friend Jason says he likes guys with a big sword.
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Bumbles · 872 weeks ago

You're right. It doesn't matter how Clawmaster Swordhand got her/his awesomeness, and the food/intimidation factor is totally in your favor, but the lovin' may be a bit of a problem.

How about this? I threaten a magician with my sword and claw until s/he gives me the option to have human hands when it comes to doing the nasty.

So. My life rocks. I guess. What was the question again?

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