Friday, April 11, 2008

I'm James Frey....Oh, and I'm Margaret B. Jones too.

Write a little note to the alumni magazine (of your high school/college/imaginary place you told your mom you were learning at) designed to maximize their embarrassment at having you as a student. It can be fictional or real.

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Dear Bobo Alumni Magazine,

Firstly, please allow me to applaud the Bobo Alumni Magazine for their engaging and artfully written April issue. I found the alumni highlights especially intriguing. It is a rare and valuable chance to see the myriad ways in which Bobo alumni have used their Bobo education to contribute to the common good. It is in this spirit that I write to you, to illuminate a perhaps non-traditional use of the Bobo degree to fulfill a desperate need in society.

The breadth and depth of my Bobo education has proved invaluable in abetting my endeavors to a standout career in the high class escort services. I first turned to the 'oldest profession' in order to pay off my student loans, which, after 4 glorious years at Bobo, amounted to $160,000. I quickly found that with the critical thinking skills I developed through the Bobo liberal arts curriculum, my services were in high demand. Prestigious Ivy league academics, whose huge brains make up for what they often lack in, er, other things, were delighted to find an intellectual equal in the escort they hired for $2000 an hour. My history major gives me the leg-up I need to entertain politicians, and I have advised these clients on policy matters on more than one occasion. Thanks to my Bobo study abroad experience, my linguistic abilities in Spanish allowed me to quite literally charm the pants off of visiting foreign dignitaries from nearly all of the 21 countries for whom Spanish is a primary language. I believe all of my clients have felt the benefits of the many hours I spend in Bobo's Holmes Fitness Center, sculpting my physique.

The Bobo Alumni Association allows me to continue to develop my clientele. Through Bobo networking events, I've made many new contacts and contracted many engagements. To this end, I would like to become even more a part of Bobo. With the modest fortune I've amassed, I would like to establish a fund for students aspiring to a career in escort services. I hope that this gesture adequately demonstrates my deep, deep, deeper appreciation for the Bobo College experience.

Truly Yours,

Mimi de la Fleur(formerly Gertrude Bunkhauser), Class of 2001
2 replies · active less than 1 minute ago
Nice. I love (and kind of hate) the over-use of the word Bobo....I can't stand that abbreviation-that-is-not-an-abbreviation.
"Callgirl" by Jeanette Angell. Read it.
Dear Bowdoin Alumni Magazine,

Please change my address in your system; I now reside at Colby College, where I am a Visiting Professor.
Dear Salem State College Theatre Department:

I'm moving to Paris to become a mime. No, seriously.
dear bowdoin--

just an update on my life: i am now a gay person of color that loves engineering and loves poor people with tastebuds that love bad tasting food. also, i hate the outdoors.
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
I think that last sentence would be the deal breaker.
Dear Dartmouth College Alumni Association: I am making minimum wage in a dead-end job and using my diploma as kindling to heat my tenement in Jamaica Plain.

(oh wait... was this supposed to be fictional?)
Dear Skidmore,

Thank you so much for providing a haven for hedonism so complete that only now am I fully coming to appreciate the genius behind creating a morally and emotionally absent landscape for forming minds to frolic in. As I emerge slowly from the haze of passionate grasping into the dawn of possible choice making I see how, by providing a cultural foundation of air, you encouraged me to create my own terrain. In the land of humans we Skidmorites are somewhat alien, poised perfectly ever in mid flight to muse interminably (given the right circumstances) about any number of non historically based, non contextualized revolutions toward the ends of nothing in particular. Kudos to secretly creating such contentless chaos from which may emerge this boundless creativity!
Ah, the liberal arts education...!

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